This might be the beginning of a midlife crisis.  Thirty-five qualifies as mid-life, right?  I'm pretty sure it does.  I was watching Good Morning America and yearned for a life in NYC so bad I felt myself wanting to explode.  I missed the smells of car exhaust and roasted nuts on the corners.  I missed the energy, the hustle and bustle, and the diversity of the people.  I missed the life I once dreamed of there.  For the few years I got to live there in my early twenties, I did appreciate it.  I took pride in the job I had worked so hard to get and felt accomplished by finally making it there.  I thought I'd stay in NYC, fall in love, and maybe eventually move to a brownstone in Brooklyn Heights.  At that time, kids really didn't even cross my mind or marriage for that matter.  I was really only concerned about falling in love and pursuing a career.  I thought I'd shop spend my Saturdays at brunch in Soho with friends then maybe heading to Bloomingdales to check out their latest sale, and finally finish the day with a matinee at the Public Theater or some off-Broadway production.  My craving for NYC is not something that can be cured with a weekend trip to visit friends.  It is more like coming to terms with the loss of a dream.  I guess you can have everything in life, just maybe not all at the same time....but a girl (or middle-aged woman) can still dream, right? 

The hard part about this is I am perfectly happy in my life.  Happier than I ever thought possible.  I am still madly in love with my husband of and we have perfectly energetic little kiddos.  I spend my days pouring my love and life into them.  I spent the first 25 years of my life trying to run away from Texas (which is not a bad place), and what do you know it is where I ended...up for now.  The adventure hasn't ended, it has simply changed.  

Once I was cool, now I am happy.

I will NEVER drive a minivan. Can you hear your 15 year old self, 25 year old self etc say it?  Age really has nothing to do with considering a minivan.  I think it has more to do with having kids.  I think many people, even with a bundle of kids won't consider a minivan simply for the reputation.  With a 3 month old and a toddler, I now drive a minivan.  I adore this car.  Every single detail has been thought out and planned to make life easier for parents.  It drives like a luxury vehicle as my husband loves to say.  Oh the space!  There is so much space for everything including my double stroller! Yet, as we pulled out of the dealership I felt myself having a slight panic attack.  I. drive. a minivan.  It felt like I had handed over the tiny bit of youth I had been holding onto. As I drove into our neighborhood for the first time in the spanking new minivan inhaling the new car smell, I rolled down the window prepared to wave and honk at a neighbor.  Then as I approached, I rolled the window back up.  I wasn't ready to reveal my minivan self and let go of the ounce of youth remaining.  David Grohl drives a minivan and loves it.  That has to give me some cool points, right?  

As I pondered my youth, motherhood and being a wife it occurred to me.  Driving a minivan might not yet (or lets face it ever)  be perceived as cool, but this stage of life is awesome.  I finally feel comfortable in my own skin.  I am where I'm suppose to be.  My "cool" days were spent confused and trying to find myself. By the way I think only old people say "cool" now.  Anyways, I've decided to embrace my minivan days.  I'm oh so grateful that God blessed me with a minivan life.  I wouldn't trade it for anything.  

Happy Birthday to my beautiful Mom

Happy 65th Birthday to my beautiful Mom on this day of 11.11.11. She is officially a senior citizen.  I'm sure she appreciates me addressing her this way.   I feel like it is a special year to celebrate her life.  The year started out with her falling ill, and it reminded me how truly important she is in my life.  At this time last year, I was sending her picture out in an email to everyone I know asking if they knew any eligible men between the ages of 60-70 interested in dating my mom and setting up an eharmony account for her.  Little did I know she would fall in love and marry, not through either of these avenues, but still with a little help from me I'd like to think.  It reminded me once again that this universe somehow has its own plans for us.  I'm so happy to see her so happy. 

Happy 2 year wedding anniversary to us

Today is our 2 year wedding anniversary.  Warning: This might get a little mushy.  Everyday I get to spend with him feels like a fairy tale.  

Seriously, I don't know how I ended up with such a compassionate, honest, loving man.  I did everything you are told not to do when we were dating.  I didn't play the games, I just put myself out there.  I knew from the minute I laid eyes on him he was the one I was suppose to be with.  I made my intentions known to anyone and everyone.  At times (most times), it made me come across as the crazy girl that I am.  Before I met Husband, I rarely even thought about getting married.  I thought about being some successful single,  entertainment executive.  Thoughts of marriage and family were very foreign.  Now here I find myself, loving every minute of married life.  Here were some of my forbidden dating tactics that somehow resulted in a happy marriage of 2 years and counting.

• Flew across country 3 weeks after meeting him at a wedding.  He lived in Grand Rapids, MI and I was somewhere in Texas.  I flew to Chicago and took a 5 hour train ride to Grand Rapids.  It is only a 3 hour drive.  That was the slowest and worst train ride I had ever been on.  I paid for the ticket with my credit card.  I was unemployed at the time.  NOT CRAZY GIRL:  A normal girl would have made him come visit her or at least have him help with the cost of travel.  Not me, no sir.  It was all me.  
• We were long distance for the first 2 years never officially dating.  I never dated anyone else in these 2 years even though husband directly told me multiple times that he only saw me as a good friend and did not see a long term romantic relationship happening.  NOT CRAZY GIRL:  A normal girl would have continued dating other potential suitors at the same time as talking to a guy across country. 
• I moved across country. Twice.  The first time we weren't even dating and the second time we had officially been dating for 3 months.   NOT CRAZY GIRL:  A normal girl would've kept herself put in her safe, stable environment. 

This is all I am willing to share for the time being, but the list goes on.  I guess my point is that I am someone that can't help but follow her heart in everything I do.  I have to say, following my heart has lead me to this wonderful, daily, happiness I never thought possible.  

I almost forgot to mention the newest addition to our family this year.  I also never knew I was an animal person until our sweet Journey came into our lives. 

Crazy, Weird, Happy

I'll be the first to admit, I can be very immature.  This weekend was no exception. My Mom got remarried in Las Vegas.  This is my Mom's 3rd marriage.  My Dad and her divorced, her second husband and dear step-father passed away in a car accident, making this her third go round.  I prayed and prayed for my mom to find love again, and truly am thrilled for her.  

I'm used to a life where it is just my Mom and I (and of course now Husband).  I am used to being the one looking out for her and helping her with decisions.  With her new husband in the mix it adds a new dynamic.  Her new man, let's call him John, is a wonderful, kind, man who is head over heals in love with her.  I've never seen a man worship the ground my mother walks on like John.  They met and were engaged in less than two months.  I like a man who knows what he wants.  Here is the kicker.  Now prepare yourself, because your head might start spinning a bit.  
As I've mentioned before I was adopted at birth, not orphan Annie style, so please no sympathy.   My adoption was closed which means I had no contact with the biological family. Just so nobody is confused, when I refer to my Mom this is the woman who adopted and raised me and who I consider my one and only mother.  A few years ago, my biological family made contact with me.  Earlier this year, my Mom and John met.   John is my biological maternal grandfather.  That's right.  My mother married my grandfather. They are 5 years apart in age.   John's daughter gave birth to me almost 31 years ago.  Crazy, weird, and very happy story. 
So needless to say, it was a surreal weekend.  The celebration consisted of Mom, John, Husband, Me, Jules (John's sister) and Jim (John's step-son).  Husband had the honor walking my Mom down the aisle.  When the minister asked him who gives this bride away he froze unprepared for such a questions.  He looks at me desperate for help with the answer.  I mouthed to him to just say I do.  He stumbles a bit and manages to get the words out of his mouth laughing at the same time.  During photos after the ceremony the photographer asks "Now who belongs to who?,"  Looking at me he continues, "Now, this must be your Mom because you two look alike, but huh, you also kinda have your new step-dad's eyes."  
I burst out into laughter as I normally do in uncomfortable situations.  Mind you nobody else is cracking a smile.  My mom just nodes her head and answers that she is my mother and that is that.   
The photographer takes my Mom and John aside for pictures.  From the corner of my eye I notice John kissing on my Mother's neck.  Now, I've come to realize no matter how old you get, you never get comfortable seeing your Mom involved with public displays of affection.  This wasn't a peck he is giving her. He is practically giving her a hickey in the Vegas wedding chapel.  The photographer steps over gently pulling John off of her.  John has a huge grin on his face.  I'm not sure how my face looked, but I'm pretty sure it was not a smile.  
We sit down for dinner and I decide I deserve a glass of wine tonight.  I rarely drink and cannot hold my alcohol to save my life.  Give me one drink and I will tell you anything you want to know.   I no longer have secrets because I have at one point or another let them all out after one drink or so.  Jim raises his glass to give a toast.  It is thoughtful, touching, and appropriate.  When he is done, I take the cue to give a toast.  I have nothing prepared.  I only thought about getting myself through the evening, I didn't even think about needing to give a toast.  My toast went something like this.
"Well, I didn't have anything prepared, but I guess I should say a few words.  This is some crazy ass weird monkey shit (not sure why I threw a monkey in there).  I officially realized God has a greater plan and we have no control over life after this situation here. (at this point I feel husband's hand on my arm signaling I should wrap it up) I'm very happy you two found each other and I wish you a lifetime of happiness. Cheers!"  
Hmmm, no response from the audience.  Strange.  Not one of my better toasts but I figured it could have been worse. Overall it was  great weekend, but I still am in disbelief that my mother married my biological grandfather.  Once again reminded that I have little to no control in life. 

Brucing is a verb

Brucing is a term recently developed a friend.  She went on a date with Bruce.  She started getting the impression that he wasn't as into her as she would like.  Some girls would take this as a clue to back off, but not my friend nor me (back in my single days) would accept such actions as defeat.  There is a category of woman who will take this as their clue to up the game, to send a few more emails, or encourage the relationship to carry on with a few more texts.  My friend participated in this behavior.  She went so far as to ask for a reminder of the time of their next date, when really no second date had ever been planned.  Thus, the verb "brucing" emerges.  She asked me if I had played the same games with Husband, and I realized I had. 

Our minds work a little different then other woman's and this might be the root of some of our problems.  Discussing the brucing situation led us to reflect on the various tactics we use to gain the attention of men.  For instance, if you haven't heard from him in a few days and feel that all he needs is a reminder of how much he enjoys your company you simply send an email with a photo attached.  The photo must show you in a very positive light- perhaps you are looking extra skinny in your new jeans, or maybe it shows you engaging in an activity you know he is particularly fond of.  The purpose isn't just to remind him that you exist, it is to remind him of how much he adores you and needs you in his life- just as you need him in yours. Yes, we know we sound like crazy girls.  We are not.  We are smart, funny, confidant women, but when it comes to the game of love, we tend to lose our sanity.  Oh the crazy things love (or the potential to find love) can make us do.