This might be the beginning of a midlife crisis.  Thirty-five qualifies as mid-life, right?  I'm pretty sure it does.  I was watching Good Morning America and yearned for a life in NYC so bad I felt myself wanting to explode.  I missed the smells of car exhaust and roasted nuts on the corners.  I missed the energy, the hustle and bustle, and the diversity of the people.  I missed the life I once dreamed of there.  For the few years I got to live there in my early twenties, I did appreciate it.  I took pride in the job I had worked so hard to get and felt accomplished by finally making it there.  I thought I'd stay in NYC, fall in love, and maybe eventually move to a brownstone in Brooklyn Heights.  At that time, kids really didn't even cross my mind or marriage for that matter.  I was really only concerned about falling in love and pursuing a career.  I thought I'd shop spend my Saturdays at brunch in Soho with friends then maybe heading to Bloomingdales to check out their latest sale, and finally finish the day with a matinee at the Public Theater or some off-Broadway production.  My craving for NYC is not something that can be cured with a weekend trip to visit friends.  It is more like coming to terms with the loss of a dream.  I guess you can have everything in life, just maybe not all at the same time....but a girl (or middle-aged woman) can still dream, right? 

The hard part about this is I am perfectly happy in my life.  Happier than I ever thought possible.  I am still madly in love with my husband of and we have perfectly energetic little kiddos.  I spend my days pouring my love and life into them.  I spent the first 25 years of my life trying to run away from Texas (which is not a bad place), and what do you know it is where I ended...up for now.  The adventure hasn't ended, it has simply changed.  

Once I was cool, now I am happy.

I will NEVER drive a minivan. Can you hear your 15 year old self, 25 year old self etc say it?  Age really has nothing to do with considering a minivan.  I think it has more to do with having kids.  I think many people, even with a bundle of kids won't consider a minivan simply for the reputation.  With a 3 month old and a toddler, I now drive a minivan.  I adore this car.  Every single detail has been thought out and planned to make life easier for parents.  It drives like a luxury vehicle as my husband loves to say.  Oh the space!  There is so much space for everything including my double stroller! Yet, as we pulled out of the dealership I felt myself having a slight panic attack.  I. drive. a minivan.  It felt like I had handed over the tiny bit of youth I had been holding onto. As I drove into our neighborhood for the first time in the spanking new minivan inhaling the new car smell, I rolled down the window prepared to wave and honk at a neighbor.  Then as I approached, I rolled the window back up.  I wasn't ready to reveal my minivan self and let go of the ounce of youth remaining.  David Grohl drives a minivan and loves it.  That has to give me some cool points, right?  

As I pondered my youth, motherhood and being a wife it occurred to me.  Driving a minivan might not yet (or lets face it ever)  be perceived as cool, but this stage of life is awesome.  I finally feel comfortable in my own skin.  I am where I'm suppose to be.  My "cool" days were spent confused and trying to find myself. By the way I think only old people say "cool" now.  Anyways, I've decided to embrace my minivan days.  I'm oh so grateful that God blessed me with a minivan life.  I wouldn't trade it for anything.  

My Namesake

My childhood best friend named her little girl after me and I couldn't possibly more honored and excited.  I got the text that 'Katherine Melissa' was born at about 3am in the morning on Sept. 21st.  When I read the name at first, I thought it was a typo.  Being half way awake in the middle of the night, I next started brainstorming people they knew with my name.  Then it occurred to me it had to be me! It was not easy to fall asleep after the excitement. How did she possibly convince her husband.  First, I never imagined somebody would name their child after me and I also never knew how thrilled I'd be.  I've come to look at it as an accomplishment.  There are lots of things I was never very good at, like sports and school.  When I contemplate other careers I often fantasize about being a professional friend. Having and being a friend is one of my favorite things in life.  I've been more than blessed with super loving and caring friendships.  I hoped I was thought of as a good friend too, and this kinda proves it to myself. It is one of my favorite things to be aside from a wife and mom (two things I never really thought too much about until it happened).  Sept. 21st is going down as one of the top 5 most exciting days in this girls life.  

Mirror,Mirror

I remember as a kid and especially a teenager, looking at myself in the mirror.  I'd examine my features, contemplating each detail of the shapes and shades on my face.  I'd watch my mom spend hours getting dressed, carefully applying her blush and finishing off with a shade of red lipstick.
As a teenager, I spent time trying to perfect my appearance to the best of my ability.  I wore very little make-up but still spent time in front of the mirror admiring, criticizing and often contemplating every feature.
I recently realized how little I look in the mirror now.  I spend a quick 5-10 minutes tossing on make-up (by make-up I mean concealer and mascara, maybe some blush if I'm feeling adventurous) and brushing my hair (my most likely 2 day dirty hair). I spend minimal time getting dressed for work with a toddler pulling on my leg.  Honestly, I didn't spend too much time before hand primping myself either.  I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and hardly recognized myself.  I don't necessarily think it is because I look dramatically different, but more so because I forgot.  I forgot because I never look anymore.  I guess this is just another part of the mom journey- putting all of yourself into this little person whether you mean to or not.  It made me think about all the 'mom make-over' shows I've seen in my life and remember thinking- uh, not me.  I will not be so unaware of myself that I will wear mom jeans and have a hair cut from high school.  Well, once again never say never.  Here I am using the same concealer and having the same hair cut (long, no style, occasionally brushed).  As I try to make a commitment to spend a few more minutes on myself in the morning or whenever to get tone down the 'mom' look, I realize that would most likely require me to get up even earlier.  I'm just not sure if that is a sacrifice I am willing to make for beauty.